This is going to be a bit more personal since I have noticed that sharing some stuff that’s taking lots of space inside my “troubled” head, actually improved things.
It’s not the cozy feeling of sharing thing with your loved ones (if there are any, part from my son), but the understanding that there are people out there suffering as I do.
Christmas holidays and depression struck fast and hard. Without mercy. My son was on the sofa, holding his tablet and enjoying his game, oblivious (luckily) to my feeling of despair. Suddenly I thought to myself “why is he still playing, has he done his homework for tomorrow”?
I started shouting at him to leave his tablet and xbox and laptop and do his school homework instead… I actually thought that it was a school day and not Christmas… I even unplugged the xbox, grabbed the tablet out of his tiny little hands and started yelling.
So embarrassed, but I have to get it out of my system… (continue I shall)
Next thing I remember is that I’m sitting on my chair in-front of my pc. I looked at the sofa and there he was, holding his lego toy and crying.
I collapsed, everything broke and the known feeling “he’s better of in a world that I’m not in” was so overwhelming that I really really don’t want to consider the option of what i might have done if he wasn’t there.
I cried so hard that he actually stopped and came near me, sat with me and hugged me. He tried to comfort me, as if I was the little boy and he was the adult. We stood there for a long time drying both our tears and saying “I’m sorry” to each other.
WHAT KIND OF FATHER AM I?
I can’t say I feel good now… But at least someone else will read this and think “I’m not alone..Am I”?
not to be continued (fingers crossed)