The Lego Toy

This is going to be a bit more personal since I have noticed that sharing some stuff that’s taking lots of space inside my “troubled” head, actually improved things.

It’s not the cozy feeling of sharing thing with your loved ones (if there are any, part from my son), but the understanding that there are people out there suffering as I do.

Christmas holidays and depression struck fast and hard. Without mercy. My son was on the sofa, holding his tablet and enjoying his game, oblivious (luckily) to my feeling of despair. Suddenly I thought to myself “why is he still playing, has he done his homework for tomorrow”?

I started shouting at him to leave his tablet and xbox and laptop and do his school homework instead… I actually thought that it was a school day and not Christmas… I even unplugged the xbox, grabbed  the tablet out of his tiny little hands and started yelling.

So embarrassed, but I have to get it out of my system… (continue I shall)

Next thing I remember is that I’m sitting on my chair in-front of my pc. I looked at the sofa and there he was, holding his lego toy and crying.

I collapsed, everything broke and the known feeling “he’s better of in a world that I’m not in” was so overwhelming that I really really don’t want to consider the option of what i might have done if he wasn’t there. 

I cried so hard that he actually stopped and came near me, sat with me and hugged me. He tried to comfort me, as if I was the little boy and he was the adult. We stood there for a long time drying both our tears and saying “I’m sorry” to each other.

WHAT KIND OF FATHER AM I?

I can’t say I feel good now… But at least someone else will read this and think “I’m not alone..Am I”?

not to be continued (fingers crossed)

7 thoughts on “The Lego Toy

  1. So, so sad. I hope you are feeling better and in the care of someone who knows how to help you. You are a beautiful father because you care enough to share this and you know how to say sorry. This is only the second of your posts that I have read, so you may have already talked about this, but do you tell you boy that you are ill? Do you talk to him about things he could do or say to help you when you are particularly struggling? Kids are so empathetic, I’m sure he could be taught to see depression for what it is (a chronic illness and something out of your control) and learn strategies for him to cope. I hope this isn’t too personal. I will not be offended if you want to delete this comment.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I am glad you apologized to him and felt ashamed for shouting and all, tells you are a good father having a really hard time. It was touching to read this. Children are sometimes stronger than adults emotionally, really empathetic as stated above, understanding beyond what one could hope for.. In time I hope you can share your troubles with your son in the right way so you can help eachother. I do not know your son but every children loves to be considered special and important by his or her parent, maybe he could feel that through you two being there for each other. He sounds like a wonderful boy though. I wish you both well, have strenght, happiness and peace can come through sticking together and allowing yourself to truly love! Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

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