Self Doubt

No kickboxing training yesterday evening. No endorphins either, so less light this morning than yesterday morning. Have to take a mental note and learn how long the endorphin effects last.

A beautiful mind is multitasking, seeking knowledge wherever it can. (applause please).

Didn’t want to go home either yesterday, so I took my books, my notebook and pen and my earphones (a must have if you wanna isolate yourself) and went to a crowded bar, one that I’m DJing from time to time.

Bipolar entertainer (applause again please).

Sat on a table far behind (labeled as “my office”, I use it quite often when I don’t want to go home), arranged my chair so I don’t face the interior but a wall with a black and white picture of James Dean, took out my “Advanced Calculus” and my notebook and armed with my earphones and a storm of loud grunge music I tried to get lost in my haven of maths.

Usually the complexity of maths followed by the inevitable outcome of  certainty that it provides made my mind feel “right”. The “cause equals effect” is something that gives meaning to my otherwise meaningless existence.

But yesterday it didn’t.

You’re bipolar you may add, you’re THE definition of “sometimes-things-work-and-sometimes-they-don’t”.

It’s not quite that simple. I got lost in my haven, I did find a safe place within Bolzano and Fermat. But occasionally i got out, checking my smartphone for notifications and messages, as if I wanted some sort of confirmation from other people. And of course some acknowledgment from my “better half” that I matter.

I’m not a social media junkie, I know that there are no friends in google+ or Facebook. But this thing that I’m doing right now… Blogging?

This is my first try to reach out from anonymity to strangers suffering as I do and get a smile, a comment and soothing word. But is it another rapid-hole that Lewis Carroll (bipolar mathematician and a next-door genius) would absolutely love?

Will have to get back to you on that too (seems that things that I’ll have to “get back to you” are pilling up). Share your thoughts if anyone can relate.


to be continued

8 thoughts on “Self Doubt

    1. Thanks for following and sharing. I read some of your posts and I admire the “positive” and “light-weight” manner that you write (you’re gifted). I wish I could see things your way… But for the time-being it seems I can’t. Keep sharing too!

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Thank you very much. It is definitely a process, for many years I had to consciously change my vocabulary to be positive. I was very negative, very self defeating. Whilst I didnt believe my words at first, they suddenly changed my disposition. Whilst I still have my problems I do think there is no reason to speak negatively about oneself or the situation. I separated myself from the illness. The illness is wicked and horrible but I am not, and neither are you. Really interested to see more from your blog. And thank you for the kind words.

        Liked by 3 people

      2. That is something I have noticed as well. I have made myself say positively about things even when not feeling like it and in time I felt like it more and more! Though my “positive” often is something like: “Well even if I die now from this I will have learned something from it before I die.” Or “This will go as it will, but I will do my best in this situation and others. It is all a human can do and if one does it one will eventually improve ones own best” Some might not consider them positive but they make me feel better and more driven.

        Liked by 3 people

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