I read a post of a fellow blogger/co-sufferer a few days ago. A brutal one. Talking about suicidal thoughts and how they effect our lives. So…
Last Thursday I tried to kill myself.
Being with this “state of mind” for many years and riding the roller-coaster of my troubled mind I know that suicidal thoughts are on the menu along with two oranges after my training or cereal for breakfast. But this time it was different. The thought became reality.
A reality that was permanent.
A universe of certainty in which I had no place.
In which I didn’t belong.
In which everything would be better if I didn’t existed.
In which my absence was justified.
All seemed logical and all made sense. There was a mathematical certainty in my mind that my most precious “cause and effect” rule applied. And in mathematics there are no grey areas. There’s only right and wrong. Black and white. And since my black was measurable and had a “true” value only one thing was missing.
There’s no point of details I suppose. The fact that I’m blogging about this means that either the wi-fi of Hell inside my mind has an excellent signal all the way to the afterlife or that there was a mathematical glitch in the universe that I don’t exist.
And believe me… I know my maths.
Lets not discuss about my options. Lets not get in an endless discussion of medication, therapy, loved ones and afterlife. We’ve all been there and we know that the spotlight mostly doesn’t care about punishment for taking your own life, doesn’t measure the pain we will inflict on others… It cares only for lighting the “no other way out” sign.
Instead lets focus on that darkness whispering. Perhaps we could see that certain of its attributes gives us something that other people lack. That would be different to each and everyone of you. But I think you all know what I mean.
For me is a better use with words (I dare not say writing), an understanding of maths and an affection for everything that is dark and gloomy. Something that distinct me from everyone else. The darkness whispers false words but on the other hand, darkness is us. It is a part of us.
It’s not the better part of us and some of us would absolutely say “I can live without the darkness if it means I get to live”. I couldn’t agree more. If that was actually an option. In my mind it is a bit different. At least for the past couple of days. Perhaps it’s the creative part of us. Perhaps it’s some sort of twisted compass that points to a direction. A weird self-destructive direction. Will follow it for a bit and let you know.
“All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don’t you ever tame your demons
But always keep them on a leash”
to be continued