Took a look at my cell-phone. I tried to reassure my self that my only motive was just to check the time. But as easily as I can lie to other people and hide myself in plain site, it seems I can’t lie to my-self.

Or can I?

I’ve been siting in this table for a bit more than an hour. It wasn’t crowed when I came in, now it is. After all it’s the 14 of February… Despite being Tuesday, there are people that still want to go out and enjoy themselves.

So the million dollar (or euros in my case) question is: Are you outside, sitting alone in front of your laptop writing these lines and “enjoying yourself”?

Since I can’t lie to myself and thus can’t lie to you, the truth is I don’t like myself the past couple of months. Or perhaps I’m just tired of me.

On there other hand I’m going to use my “writing” skills in order to transfer you here. After all isn’t that what us “writers” do. We mentally project an image to the “readers” out there. My images are dark and gloomy but they are still images nonetheless.

So lets say you just walked in here.

It’s about half an hour past seven in the afternoon. It’s 14 of February. It’s a coffee-bar, one of the most visited here. It’s well decorated, one can say Indie or even hipster. After all it is a rock bar. White walls with black and white drawings. Music is not loud since it is early and you can hear the buzz of the voices of the people in here talking. If you concentrate hard enough you might even follow their conversations. And imagine to participate.

Most people are males, in companies of three or four. Only two couples, a young one both with cellphones in their hands and an elder one which is actually talking. And holding hands.

A bit far in the corner is dear old me. In front of my laptop. If this was Facebook or another social media (junk), it would be the time for a selfie. With a sophisticated look hidden behind my black and white hipster glasses. And perhaps a hint of a dark smile (no colors, remember?)

But no thanks. I prefer the anonymity of my writings and the mental image you might have in your head. A mental image of me, if any. Would help a bit though…

Grey hair, hipster haircut and (of course) a beard. Black T-shirt with the cover of a band’s album (a place to bury strangers – exploding head) and B&W glasses as you might have already imagined. An earring in the helix of my left ear and a tattoo (saying “it is ok to break” in tengwar) on my left arm, covering some scars.

That’s me, the unconventional alternative math professor/amateur dj/writer. With bipolar mood swings, currently in one of my lowest lows.

Hiding behind my laptop, writing. And mentally transferring images.

I don’t like me, others may like me, I suppose. But currently I have to live with myself. I’m not doing my best but I’m trying. Perhaps I lie to myself and I enjoy this dark romantic, self destructive image that I project.

But right now I’m tired.

And I need to smile.

And taken care of.

Or perhaps start anew.

don’t know if I’m enjoying my self

15 thoughts on “Enjoying?

  1. You still keeping your humor-level up, so I’ll say – everything will be fine at the end 👋🙃😀
    I’ve been in cafe by myself today…I’m often sitting alone at cafeteria (I’m kinda enjoying it + a lot of diff ppl there every day + I know everybody who is working in this cafe tho haha, simply bcz I’m there min 3-4 times a week).
    I think you are tired…I can feel a bit similar some days too, but then..I have too much to take care about & I have hundreds plans/ideas in my head (floating), so I’m always trying to start something new, like this blog right now haha it’s actually helps, to start something new & to cut off old stuff. About your description- it was fun to read! Mmm, looking cool I guess. Not sure about black/white glasses, never seen any man wearing black & white glasses. A bit strange lol I probably would be scared of you, but all depends how you talk to ppl. And what the kind of VIBE you are sending to them, when you are talking.. That’s most important in my eyes.
    And you HAVE to love yourself …the way you look, impression you make. If you are enjoying your dark image right now – OK. One year – dark, another – light haha

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My dude. Low lows are the worst. And it’s really hard to sometimes remind yourself of what is was that you used to enjoy. Or try new things that might be more fun than you thought.

    I have a lame-ass happy jar. So every day I add a note of the things that happened that day that made me happy. And when I hit my lows I re-read the old happy memories to feel better. And then I try doing the things that popped up the most (I mean you can literally build a statistical model for happiness this way).

    I hope it helps. Feeling like an empty shell is horrible. Especially if you start doing anything just to feel something… and we gravitate towards feeling badly so easily.

    When I felt that grey, I dyed my hair mermaid purple. I think it saved my life. Maybe try a purple shirt tomorrow?

    Hang tough!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey! 🙂 Nice to get an image of you transferred through the power of words! 🙂 Somehow it’s close to what I have imagined before.

    I will keep your welfare in my thoughts, I’d really be happy to see you rise from the depths of depression! 🙂 In time you can do it! How these past few days or so have been for you? My quite recent how do I dos you read from my post but right now I am having a mentally exhausted , seems all that processing took energy. I’ll keep going too and try my best to stay balanced and not go into huge “I CAN DO EVERYTHING INSTANTLY AND NOTHING IS WRONG!!!!! 0.0” phase and break myself.


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