Meaning?

It was more than a week ago, along Christmas holidays. No reason to write about the endless loop of despair and self doubt my mind was swimming with joy, most of you know that exact feeling.

As a sentimental (and romantic perhaps) move I bought along with my newspaper and two books a toy figurine of Wolverine, sharp claws and all, ready to defeat bad guys and save the day.

Though I felt like “Logan” in the latest of the wolverine sequels, I tried my best to sound a bit optimistic and send the following sms…

“There is a gift that I bought for you, something silly and meaningless perhaps but it meant a great deal to me. You will find it at the windshield of my car, it is parked just outside my house, you can’t miss it. It is there to protect you when I’m lost in the dark corners of my mind and I can’t help you myself. Love L.”

Three hours later, when my class ended I passed with my motorcycle outside my house. The Wolverine figurine was still there covered with snow. I turned on my cell-phone and read…

“Sorry babe, I just saw the sms. What were you talking about?”

No trusting my mood and my mind I didn’t reply and let it the incident get lost in some dark and dusty corridor along with other thoughts of despair, loneliness and self doubt. Took the figurine and left in somewhere in the chaos of my working desk.

This Friday afternoon, in a break between classes, my phone rang. It was my son, he was waiting with my parents at my house (it is my weekend with him).

“Thank you so much dad for the gift, found it on your desk.”

Puzzled, I tried to remember what gift was he talking about.

“I love wolverine, waiting for you to come home and play with me.”

Tears flood my eyes, feeling both an inadequate and a blessed father at the same time.

???

to be continued

 

Self Doubt

No kickboxing training yesterday evening. No endorphins either, so less light this morning than yesterday morning. Have to take a mental note and learn how long the endorphin effects last.

A beautiful mind is multitasking, seeking knowledge wherever it can. (applause please).

Didn’t want to go home either yesterday, so I took my books, my notebook and pen and my earphones (a must have if you wanna isolate yourself) and went to a crowded bar, one that I’m DJing from time to time.

Bipolar entertainer (applause again please).

Sat on a table far behind (labeled as “my office”, I use it quite often when I don’t want to go home), arranged my chair so I don’t face the interior but a wall with a black and white picture of James Dean, took out my “Advanced Calculus” and my notebook and armed with my earphones and a storm of loud grunge music I tried to get lost in my haven of maths.

Usually the complexity of maths followed by the inevitable outcome of  certainty that it provides made my mind feel “right”. The “cause equals effect” is something that gives meaning to my otherwise meaningless existence.

But yesterday it didn’t.

You’re bipolar you may add, you’re THE definition of “sometimes-things-work-and-sometimes-they-don’t”.

It’s not quite that simple. I got lost in my haven, I did find a safe place within Bolzano and Fermat. But occasionally i got out, checking my smartphone for notifications and messages, as if I wanted some sort of confirmation from other people. And of course some acknowledgment from my “better half” that I matter.

I’m not a social media junkie, I know that there are no friends in google+ or Facebook. But this thing that I’m doing right now… Blogging?

This is my first try to reach out from anonymity to strangers suffering as I do and get a smile, a comment and soothing word. But is it another rapid-hole that Lewis Carroll (bipolar mathematician and a next-door genius) would absolutely love?

Will have to get back to you on that too (seems that things that I’ll have to “get back to you” are pilling up). Share your thoughts if anyone can relate.

DOUBTING

to be continued

Change

Had a really hard time getting out of bed today. Though I did promised myself I would. Tried to change some thing in my daily routine hoping I’d feel better.

Kickboxing training seems to do the trick, for the time being that is.

My kind of work demands afternoon working hours, so I thought to myself that a workout at 9.00 in the evening perhaps would be possible.

Make a mental picture of a bipolar in his hypomanic mood doing workout in the morning, I almost exhausted myself to death!! So at the time being and due to my long depression mood, I tried evening work out.

So out of my working outfit (black t-shirt, jeans and converse all stars) and in to my workout outfit (black t-shirt, sweatpants and converse all stars). Yay, my inner child is still alive!

Felt a bit ridiculous at first, marching up and down, fists up and punching an imaginary opponent. Luckily my mind was numb from doing maths for 8 hours and the known to us all “you-don’t-belong-here-you-don’t-belong-anywhere-you’re-all-alone” feeling didn’t kick in.

Instead endorphins kicked in. And I pushed myself harder and harder. Seemed like the dark fog that painted everything with dark and gloomy shades of grey, was lifted for a bit. I’m not gonna lie and say it felt great, when black is the only color you see for the most of your life, other colors fail to be recognized.

But it felt different and different was ok. Perhaps different was welcome too.

So I continued till my trainer told me to take some breaths. I asked her to let me strain myself a bit more and she did.

And when I returned home (or nothome, depends how you look at it) I was exhausted but I still felt different. And after a shower I did manage to sleep for 5 hours straight and that was different too.

And now I have something to look forward to at the end of my day.

Don’t know if it will last but the fact that I’m here writing about it and perhaps some of you out there can relate makes getting out of bed a bit easier. Any thoughts are needed/welcome.

SO THANK YOU

to be continued

The Lego Toy

This is going to be a bit more personal since I have noticed that sharing some stuff that’s taking lots of space inside my “troubled” head, actually improved things.

It’s not the cozy feeling of sharing thing with your loved ones (if there are any, part from my son), but the understanding that there are people out there suffering as I do.

Christmas holidays and depression struck fast and hard. Without mercy. My son was on the sofa, holding his tablet and enjoying his game, oblivious (luckily) to my feeling of despair. Suddenly I thought to myself “why is he still playing, has he done his homework for tomorrow”?

I started shouting at him to leave his tablet and xbox and laptop and do his school homework instead… I actually thought that it was a school day and not Christmas… I even unplugged the xbox, grabbed  the tablet out of his tiny little hands and started yelling.

So embarrassed, but I have to get it out of my system… (continue I shall)

Next thing I remember is that I’m sitting on my chair in-front of my pc. I looked at the sofa and there he was, holding his lego toy and crying.

I collapsed, everything broke and the known feeling “he’s better of in a world that I’m not in” was so overwhelming that I really really don’t want to consider the option of what i might have done if he wasn’t there. 

I cried so hard that he actually stopped and came near me, sat with me and hugged me. He tried to comfort me, as if I was the little boy and he was the adult. We stood there for a long time drying both our tears and saying “I’m sorry” to each other.

WHAT KIND OF FATHER AM I?

I can’t say I feel good now… But at least someone else will read this and think “I’m not alone..Am I”?

not to be continued (fingers crossed)

Light… Maybe (φως… ίσως)

I cracked the window open just a bit today. Assuming you know me, that was a huge improvement. Dealing with sunlight head-on, without ANY coffee???

U shall not pass

I imagined tiny particles of depression floating around in here… perhaps with the light and the cold wind they’ll reach for a new home. On the other hand, these particles are a part of me, so would I miss them when they’re not here?

I’d have to get back to you on that…

“So what’s the big deal” you might say, “managing sunlight in your house at this time of the morning regardless of the cold. I do it all the time”. Yup, and I struggle with mathematics that would make your brain hurt, holding a pen in each hand without breaking a sweat.

One knows its limits… I’ll stick with mine, perhaps doing one baby step after another.

I look outside my window for a bit. A playground, full of children playing with the snow. Laughs that echoed all over my gloomy living room. Perhaps I smiled a bit.

How is it possible that this endless white ruins your mood, the sound of laughter and the sunshine is just static inside your head and you desperately want to find an off switch?

The answer is elementary my dear Watson.

I wish that my braid had an off switch so I could stop and enjoy what other people take for granted. I wish I could find the joy in the simplest things. Perhaps I need someone to point them out.

I don’t hate the snow. Being in this mood is not a choice I made.

I JUST CAN’T SNAP OUT OF IT.

Trust me, it is worst in here than it is out there. I’m not stuck in a loop because I enjoy it. I’m trying to get out.

Perhaps I made the first step…

SHIFTING

to be continued

It’s snowing in here too. (Χιόνι κι εδώ μέσα)

It’s snowing in here.

I thought of a friend today, a lovely being with red curly hair. Her favorite quote, “it’s raining in here”. A lonely feeling at the horizon, where everyone and everything seemed far away and her, all alone, trying to manage anything that hurt. Trying to make some sense.

“It’s raining in here”

So, assuming that snow is colder than rain, though soft and pure and not menacing yet, at least for people that hadn’t got used to it?

So, with this in mind I will change her quote a bit. “It doesn’t rain in here, it’s snowing”.

“It’s snowing in here as well as outside.”

So… what exactly is your point, besides quoting a friend with red curly hair you would ask?

It doesn’t really matter what my point is. I’m operating under the assumption that no one, ever, is going to read this, so I’m only having a nice conversation with myself. An inside monologue, poor man’s therapy.

It’s been snowing out there since midday… It’s snowing in here for quite some time now.

Where did all this came from, I keep asking myself. Something got screwed up inside and made everything seem blurry and unreachable, removed all sense of pleasure and purpose and all seems grey now. Or perhaps there’s some faulty wiring in my brain, a switch that once triggered one stops smiling, stops seeing colors and sees only grey.

 

SNOW-BLIND

to be continued